The Map That Leads to You
by PrettyLilLadyWithSwollenEyes
Summary: am and Castiel are hunting for Dean. While in the car one night, Castiel starts changing the station whenever he hears a classic rock song come on. He was already thinking about Dean when he hears a song on the radio that sends him into a series of flashbacks. When they stop at a hotel for the night, Dean shows up. Castiel ends up more messed up than before. AU. Destiel.


Sam glanced over at the silent angel in the passenger seat, trying to mask the concern on his face with a smile. Castiel didn't even react to being looked at like he usually would've, he just continued to stare blankly out the window. Sam wondered what was going on his head, but didn't ask, instead choosing to turn the radio up a little. Soft classic rock filled the car, and Castiel snapped to life, changing the station to some modern pop crap before closing in on himself again. Sam didn't even bother changing it back, silently understanding why Castiel reacted that way. Castiel resumed staring out the window, thinking about Dean.

He thought about their stolen kisses when Sam was asleep, the jokes that Castiel didn't always understand but amused him anyway, and other pleasant things that just made him miss Dean more. That didn't stop his thoughts from wandering anyway.

The feeling of their skin pressed together and their lips brushing over and over made shivers run down his spine. He arched into the other man, a strangled gasp coming from his throat that made Dean laugh softly.

"Beautiful," Dean murmured against his lips before kissing him again. No more words were spoken as their bodies slowly rocked together. Castiel's low moans mixed in with Dean's soft sighs, hands touching whatever skin they could reach.

"Close?" Dean's voice was wrecked. Cas barely got out a yes before his vision went white and he was trembling against Dean. Dean was kissing him, and Castiel was falling, falling into a sense of pleasure he only felt when they did this...

Castiel shook himself. The song on the radio caught his attention.

"I'm searching for a song tonight. I'm changing all of the stations..." Castiel listened silently until the pre-chorus came up.

"I was there for you in your darkest times. I was there for you in your darkest night, but I wonder where were you? When I was at my worst, down on my knees? And you said you had my back, so I wonder where were you...?" Castiel winced as the words reminded him of how things were now. Dean was a demon, and he was missing. Castiel was so, so messed up without him, not that he ever would admit it to the younger Winchester, even though Sam knew all about Castiel and Dean's relationship. Castiel tried to muffle the low sobs as his mind slipped into memories he hated to remember. Memories of when Dean would finally fall apart and Castiel would have to put him back together.

Dean was sitting on the impala, looking down at the beer in his hand. Castiel quietly landed beside him.

"Hello, Dean," he said softly. Dean jumped.

"Cas! You can't...you can't sneak up on people like that," Dean scolded, but his heart wasn't in it.

"You prayed for me," Castiel reminded him.

"Yeah, well, I didn't think you'd actually show up." Dean was drunk.

"You know I always come if I'm able," Castiel said softly, looking at his hands.

"No...I know. I'm sorry," Dean said quietly. He silently slipped his hand into Castiel's, and Castiel didn't comment, knowing that Dean would shrink away when he was reminded that he was showing emotion.

"What's the matter?" Castiel asked softly.

"Sam," Dean said quietly, playing with the beer bottle in his free hand. Castiel silently took it from him. Dean started to protest, but instantly quieted at the challenging look on Castiel's face.

"Don't do this to yourself, please. You know it isn't your fault."

"If I would've stopped him from jumping into that goddamn hole, he'd still have his soul. He'd still be Sam!" Dean raised his voice. Castiel patiently waited for him to calm down.

"It's all my fault," Dean's voice broke.

"No, it's not. You didn't know this would happen."

"I should've. When does anything go right for our family?" Dean said harshly. Castiel didn't say anything, looking down at their hands. Dean slowly leaned over to put his head on his shoulder. Castiel stiffened before laying his cheek against the top of his head.

"At least I have you," Dean said quietly.

"You'll always have me.".

Sam was talking to him. Sam, the only piece of Dean he had left.

"Cas, you got to breathe. Come on, hey, look at me. Yup, focus on me," Sam was talking gently, trying to calm him. Castiel's eyes were wild, and he was gasping for air.

Sam pulled over as soon as he could, and when he had the parking break in place, he reached for Cas. Cas struggled at first, then sank into him, pressing his face into his shoulder. Sam never hugged Cas, except maybe one time, but he couldn't hold himself back from at least trying to comfort him.

"We'll find him. We'll fix this," Sam murmured. Castiel made a small noise, but whatever he said you couldn't understand. Sam rubbed his back for a bit longer before releasing him. Castiel didn't let go right away, but eventually curled back into how he had been before his episode.

They sat in silence for awhile after Sam started to drive again, and when he glanced over, Castiel was asleep, his head against the window. Sam frowned slightly, knowing that if he was asleep it meant his grace was failing even more.

Castiel sat silently beside Dean while he slept, occasionally glancing over to see if the hunter was still asleep. Sam was sprawled in the other bed, sound asleep. Dean began to stir, jumping when he noticed Castiel beside him.

"One of these times I'm going to end up shooting you," Dean growled under his breath.

"I'm sorry. Though it wouldn't do you any good, I am genuinely sorry," Castiel said, looking at his hands. Dean shook his head.

"Why don't you lay down or something? Doesn't your back hurt after sitting like that for hours?"

"I...no?"

"Angel thing?"

"I believe so."

"Lay down, Cas. Just relax for once."

Castiel obeyed. Dean chuckled.

"That also means you should take off your coat and shoes," Dean said gently. Castiel blushed a little, before standing up and shedding his coat. He untied his shoes, and took off his tie.

"Now lay down," Dean guided. Castiel lay beside him.

"Isn't that better?" Dean asked. Castiel shrugged. He didn't really see the difference. Dean rolled his eyes. They lay in silence, their breathing matching.

"Cas, can I... Can I do something?" Dean propped himself up on his elbow. Castiel nodded, unsure, but decided to trust Dean anyway. It took him by surprise when Dean's lips were suddenly on his. He gasped against Dean's mouth. Dean frowned, and went to pull away. Cas reached a hand to up to pull him back down. His lips crushed against Dean's, and Dean moaned into his mouth, pressing closer.

His lips moved down Castiel's neck, biting at the skin. Castiel arched his back and moaned in response.

"I've wanted this for so long," Dean murmured against his throat. Castiel nodded, breathless.

Sam began to stir in the next bed, and Dean pulled away from him to duck in the bathroom.

"You know, if you guys or going to do that, you could at least warn a guy," Sam grumbled. Castiel blushed in the dark.

Castiel woke up right as Sam pulled up to a hotel. Castiel ran his hands over his face, trying to wipe off the tears that just wouldn't stop falling. Sam pretended not to notice. He headed into the hotel and got them a room. Castiel curled in a ball on one of the beds, and Sam moved around the room for a little while before announcing that he was going out and asked if Castiel wanted to come. Castiel declined, and Sam said that he'd be back in the morning. Castiel stretched out on the bed, closing his eyes.

"How long do we have?" Castiel breathed against Dean's lips.

"Long enough," Dean growled, pinning him to the bed. Castiel instantly wrapped both legs around Dean's waist, his mouth latching onto Dean's throat. Dean groaned quietly before pinning Castiel's arms over his head. He rolled his hips against Castiel's, creating a delicious friction.

"Dean," Castiel murmured, his voice thick with lust. Dean released his arms to rest his weight on his elbows, leaning down to kiss him. Castiel wrapped his arms around his neck, holding him there.

"Baby," Dean breathed. Castiel frowned.

"I'm not your impala, Dean," Castiel remarked. Dean looked at him in confusion, then started to laugh.

"It's a...pet name. Sign of affection if you will," Dean chuckled, "you silly little angel. I have so much left to teach you, don't I?" Castiel smiled suddenly, and flipped him onto his back, straddling his waist.

"Indeed," he breathed against Dean's lips. Dean kissed him hungrily, rolling his hips up. Castiel pressed his hips down, and Dean groaned in pleasure, kissing him hungrily.

"I want you so bad," Dean breathed. Things blurred into clothes being slipped off, skin on skin, and soft pleasures noises that slowly got louder. After it was over, Castiel was wrapped up in Dean's arms, and he wished he could stay like this forever...

Castiel brushed away the tears on his face as he opened his eyes again. He walked into the bathroom to wash his face, and when he came back out, there was a figure standing awkwardly by his bed.

"Dean," Castiel breathed. He couldn't stop himself from launching at him. Dean's arms came around him after a minute or two. Castiel knew he was crying; knew that he looked like an idiot. Dean didn't say anything, just kept his arms wrapped around his waist. Castiel was say something, he wasn't exactly sure what it was though until Dean finally spoke.

"I know. I know, Cas. I love you too," Dean murmured in his hair. Castiel looked up at him, and Dean brushed his tears away.

"I can't stay," Dean said softly.

"Then why did you come?" Cas whispered, squeezing his eyes closed.

"I needed to see you."

"Dean, you have Crowley now. I mean, we both know that you know we're looking for you. Why did you come if you aren't going to stay with us?" Castiel wrapped his arms around himself.

"I came to see you, not Sam." Castiel tilted his head in confusion, and then Dean kissed him. Castiel wrapped both arms around his neck automatically and kissed him back. Dean pushed him gently onto the bed, and Castiel forced himself to pull away.

"Not like this. Dean, I love you, but not like this. I want you so bad, you know that, but I can't..."

"I need you somehow, Cas. You're the only good that's left in me. I can't bring myself to care about Sammy at all and that terrifies me, but I love you. I love you so much and I have no idea how I even manage to feel it," Dean pressed his face into Castiel's shoulder.

"I don't know how I still feel anything at all," Dean whispered. Castiel felt his body start to shake as silent sobs took over his body.

"Don't cry. Cas, please," Dean pleaded, holding his face in his hands. Castiel kissed him, and it was weak and salty but Dean returned it.

"Don't leave in the morning. We'll think of something. Just stay, stay with me," Castiel breathed.

"I can't, Cas," Dean whispered. Castiel couldn't keep his sobs silent any longer.

"Angel, if it were up to me I would never leave. Do you think I truly want to leave you? You're the only thing that's keeping me from..." Dean didn't finish the sentence. Castiel pressed himself against him.

"Can I please hold you one last time?" Dean whispered.

"Don't say that, don't say one last time!" Castiel fought him, struggling in his arms, punching at his chest. Dean took it all, holding Castiel against him. Castiel finally went weak against him, and pressed his face into his neck.

"Sleep," Dean finally murmured, holding him close.

"When I wake up you'll be gone," Castiel whispered. Dean brushed his tears away again, not saying anything. He pushed his face into Castiel's hair. Castiel fell asleep against his will, hands twisted in Dean's shirt.

~X.x.X~

When Castiel woke up, Dean was gone, and Sam was walking out of the bathroom.

"Cas, what's the matter?" Sam asked quietly. Castiel snapped. He launched the lamp on the bed side table across the room, a frustrated scream coming from him.

"Cas, CAS!" Sam yelled. He wrapped his arms around Castiel, who struggled violently in his arms.

"He left! He was here and then you came back and now he's GONE!" Castiel screamed at him. Sam froze, and Castiel broke free, fleeing into the bathroom and slamming the door.

Castiel slumped against the door, wrapping his arms around his knees and finally falling apart.

"I'll find you. I will find you, and fix you. I will bring you home," Castiel cried, and then he was on his feet.

Sam heard the glass of the mirror shatter, and then a sharp cry of pain. He yanked open the door. Blood was all over Castiel's hands, and he looked up at Sam with a terrified and wounded expression before slumping into his arms. Sam silently eased him onto the bed.

Sam could forgive Dean for becoming a demon, but he couldn't forgive him for this. He looked at the broken ex-angel on the bed, and looked out the window, not seeing the lone figure standing across the street, watching.

"You said your goodbyes, Dean. Now let's go," Crowley hissed, tugging on him. Dean was frozen.

"I can't leave him like this, Crowley," Dean couldn't look at him.

"Well guess what, lad? You don't have a choice. Now let's go."

Dean watched as Sam wrapped Castiel's hands before pulling him into his arms. For a moment, his eyes met his brother's, but before Sam could react, he and Crowley were gone.


End file.
